Stop Having Sex Out of Obligation: Why “Duty Sex” Is Hurting Your Relationship
Let’s just say it: sex shouldn’t feel like a chore. If you’re having sex because you “should,” or because your partner is in the mood and you feel guilty saying no, you’re not alone—but you deserve better. So does your partner.
We’re not here to shame anyone. This isn’t about being a “bad partner” or not loving your person enough. This is about why obligation sex—even if it’s well-meaning—isn’t the intimacy-builder it’s cracked up to be.
Here’s why it’s time to break up with “duty sex” and embrace something more mutual, fun, and fulfilling
Demand Avoidance Is Real (and Totally Human)
Ever notice how the more something feels like an expectation, the less you want to do it? That’s not just you being stubborn. It’s called demand avoidance, and it’s a psychological response that kicks in when we feel pressured—especially in intimate situations. Even if no one is overtly demanding anything, just the internal pressure to “perform” or “be a good partner” can trigger a sense of resistance. Many partners (especially those assigned female at birth) get messages that they are supposed to have sex to satisfy and keep their partners. This can lead to a lot of pressure. Overtime, sex becomes associated with obligation rather than connection. No thanks! This dynamic can be exacerbated for ADHDers who tend to have a higher level of pervasive demand avoidance (the not so fun PDA).
What Fires Together, Wires Together (So Let’s Stop Wiring in Guilt!)
Neuroscience alert: our brains are incredibly adaptable. When we repeatedly pair sex with negative feelings—guilt, pressure, stress—those associations get wired together. This means your brain starts linking sex with “ugh” instead of “yes!”. Often times the sex we have when we are feeling obligated just isn’t good desirable sex so our brain associates sex with undesirable. So stop having bad sex!!
The more we push ourselves to have sex we don’t want, the more we’re training our brains to believe sex can’t be fun, safe, or mutually pleasurable. Rewiring starts by only engaging when you’re actually into it. It’s not about avoiding sex—it’s about reclaiming it!
Sex Isn’t a Gift We Give—It’s Something We Create Together
Society loves the idea that one partner (often women, let’s be honest) “gives” sex and the other “gets” it. That’s not intimacy. That’s a transaction—and it’s outdated. When we treat sex like an obligation, we reinforce the myth that it’s something we owe someone. But real connection and pleasure happen when both people are tuned in, enthusiastic, and engaged. Sex should be something we both enjoy—not something one person endures.
So what’s the alternative?
If this resonates, don’t panic. The goal isn’t to shut down intimacy; it’s to rebuild it in a way that feels good for both of you.
Be patient with yourself and your partner.
it’s like trying to change the rhythm of a long-running dance. The patterns you’ve built together are deep, so don’t expect overnight magic. Instead, try loosening your grip on the idea that sex is a boring chore. Reflect on what you (not your partner) truly value about sex and intimacy. What made sex fun or exciting for you before? What little sparks get you going? Think about why you want to reclaim your desire—what you hope to get from sex. Spoiler alert: it’s different for everyone.
Say no to “duty sex.”
Giving yourself permission to decline when you’re genuinely not into it can actually make you want to say yes more often. Imagine desire as a dial from -10 to +10. With busy lives—work, kids, bills—the dial often dips below zero, especially for women (who usually experience responsive, rather than spontaneous desire in long-term relationships). This can be a big factor in what sets us up for mismatched libidos/desire.
Use your Dial as your guide.
When your dial is at zero or above, step up and initiate! And when your partner invites intimacy, check your dial—if you’re at zero or higher, go for it! Avoid “negative number” sex because it can make you associate sex with a big “ugh.” Ironically, every time you say no when you’re below zero, you’re actually helping your intimacy grow stronger—cheers to that!
RECLAIM SEX AS MUTUAL
That idea that sex is something we give to our partners is a myth we need to bust! Sex isn’t a gift or a favor—it’s something you co-create. It should be mutual, wanted, and genuinely connecting. And when both people are tuned in, enthusiastic, and safe to say no or yes…that’s when the magic happens
Want to explore this or other challenging relationship issues more deeply?
I’m a licensed pyschologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist offering individual and couples therapy focused on real connection—not obligation. Click here for information about my services.
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